


Disturbing Twist of Fate, A

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: 3rd Age - The Stewards, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2004-01-19
Packaged: 2018-03-22 17:21:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3737216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane and Suzie find themselves in Middle Earth, but it's not exactly what they expected.  Set in Moria (just in case you can't tell from the story).  I'm not certain of the timeframe and it may be AU, anyway.  Sort of dark humor and/or angst.  I'm not certain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Comedy

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

Jane and Suzie were two very normal girls. Like many others, including many reading this story, they loved Lord of the Rings. Without going into all the tedious details (which I'm sure you can fill in yourself, anyway), it's enough to say that they found themselves hurtling down a winding, glowing spiral of light. They were having a great old time, laughing and screaming as if they were on a roller coaster. Soon, however, the wormhole split and each girl went down a different branch.

Jane found this very disturbing. She had not been separated from her sister for many years and was just starting to panic. Then the vortex opened and she landed with a whomp on the ground. Dusting herself off, she looked around. I'd like to say she was in a cool grassy knoll or some Elven paradise, but that was not her fate. She was instead standing in a dark cave. She guessed it was a cave because of the oppressive darkness around her and the cool stone she felt under her bare feet (she had taken her shoes off before the journey, hoping if she did it would be a hint to The Powers That Be that she wanted to be turned into a hobbit [as it is obvious that she must be turned into something]). She felt different somehow, so she hoped for a moment that they had gotten the message. The biting cold soon told her perhaps they didn't. A crack of light poked under a door in the small room. Carefully sneaking toward it (which was pretty easy, being barefoot), she pushed the door open. A bright light blared down on her. She was looking out into a immense hall, more vast than anything she ever remembered seeing. It was filled with the smells of food, leather, metal and smoke. A strong, pounding music flowed around her like the wave of dizziness and nausea she was now feeling. People filled the room. It seemed there was some kind of feast going on. Before she could think too much, someone ran up to her and grabbed her arm.

"Lóin, come. Dinner has started," said a gruff voice. The person looked like a rough mountain man, but there was something about him. A closer look revealed something odd behind the long, scraggly beard and chain mail.

'It's a woman!' Jane thought.

The he-woman dragged her toward a table. As they ran, Jean noticed something alarming about herself. She had a beard. She stopped dead. Yep, there was a long mass of hair dangling from her chin. She screamed. Everyone turned to look at her, but she didn't notice. After a quick check to assure herself that she was still female, she found a mirror and ran to it. She might have noticed the magnificent artwork and inlaid jewels, but she was mesmerized by the glass. When she looked in, she saw something totally foreign. A squat, square-ish form with a rugged face and way too much hair.

"Holy crap! I'm a dwarf!" She fainted.

Meanwhile, Suzie was having her own problems. She'd hit her head on something when she landed. As she dreamed, she became faintly aware of what had happened. She slowly returned to consciousness, fully expecting to be waking up in an egregiously soft bed with sunlight warming her face. Any second she'd hear Elrond's soothing voice heralding her awakening. Any second now... wait, she was hearing something.

"Bashnug! Get your lazy carcass up and help me get some wood!"

She felt a sharp pain in her side and a cold wind crossed her face. She finally opened her eyes. There was no sun, no Elrond, no lovely Elven pillows. Just grass and dirt and stone. She jumped to her feet. She was surrounded by ugly, insectoid creatures with slapdash armor clattering around a field.

'Orcs!' she realized with a start. Her impulse was to bolt for the nearest tree (being an elf, as she surely was by now), but there were too many. She was surrounded. She stood there for several seconds, frozen in fear, until a piece of wood smacked her in the face. Rubbing her chin, she looked to where it had come from. An especially ugly orc was staring at her.

"Bashnug. Now!"

She didn't move, hoping that it wouldn't see her. The orc did not look happy. It strode to her, grabbed her by the neck and tossed her toward a line of trees. It chopped a branch off one of them and threw it at her. She tried to catch it, but being still very unsure as to what was going on, it knocked her back off her feet. As she scrambled up, she spotted a puddle in front of her. Hesitantly, she peered over. She spun around, thinking someone had come up behind her. There was no one there. She looked in again. The nasty, ugly creature looking back at her... was her.

'Oh, for the love of...'  



	2. Tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Suzie find themselves in Middle Earth, but it's not exactly what they expected. Set in Moria (just in case you can't tell from the story). I'm not certain of the timeframe and it may be AU, anyway. Sort of dark humor and/or angst. I'm not certain.

Jane had been sitting at the long, stone table for several hours now and had long since started wondering if this party was ever going to end. Next to her, at the end, sat the dwarf woman she'd met earlier. The more she saw of this woman, the more she was glad there were so few of them in the room. There was just something really creepy about a burly, gruff-voiced, bearded person with breasts. She didn't dare look in a mirror again. As four or five dwarves at the table beside her boasted loudly about yet another terrible monster they'd vanquished in some grand and glorious battle. Jane yawned, drawing attention from several annoyed and confused faces.

"When is this party over?" she asked the dwarf woman.

The other looked at her and raised a bushy eyebrow. "Party? This is dinner."

Jane just sighed again and took another swig of ale.

Meanwhile, in a place far closer than either of them knew, Suzie toiled away building a fire. After she had finished, she had a chance to look out and really observe her surroundings, now that the rude orc who had awakened her finally went off to gnaw on the disembodied arm of she-did-not-want-to- know-what.

It was like a colony of cockroaches: disgusting, filthy and, generally speaking, a place she would rather not have been. They were on the far bank of some kind of water, perhaps a small lake. Across it she could see a great stone wall that went up for several hundred yards. It was too flat and uniform to be natural. Someone must have cut it.

For a moment, the thought of escape occurred to her. She immediately realized that even if she made it past the hoard of clattering creatures to the unknown expanse beyond, she would have no idea where to go. And since she was an orc, she'd probably be immediately killed by anyone she'd want to make friends with.

Then, the orcs seemed to form what looked like order. They formed lines (more or less) and raised their makeshift weapons around like lunatics. Before she knew what was happening, she was swept away toward the water.

It wasn't too deep where they were and they were soon at the other side. She had to fight to keep from being trampled and when they reached the wall, she was afraid she'd be crushed, since the onslaught showed no signs of stopping. Closer, she noticed a door. The orcs were pouring into what she could only guess was a cave, and a huge one at that. With no idea what awaited her inside, she took a deep breath and plunged forward.

The sound was deafening. Jane didn't know what happened at first, but within moments of the announcement, dwarves were scattering, yelling, arming themselves, horns were blasting, drums pounding, and an eerie rumbling came from far off through the caverns. In desperation, and having no fighting skills whatsoever, she ran to the closet she had woken up in, closed the door, and hid for her life.

As Suzie went along through the cave, she recognized it suddenly. "Moria!" she yelled suddenly, though no one heard her. It was lively and warm, not the cold tomb she was familiar with. But it soon would be. The orcs killed and maimed every dwarf they saw, though they certainly took their lumps, as well. Wanting no part of this massacre, now that she knew what it was, Suzie found a secluded nook and managed somehow to cower without being noticed.

After hours, maybe days, she awoke. It was dark and cold. She inched out of her nook and looked around. The halls were alive with activity - orc activity. Every dwarf in sight was dead and mangled. She shuddered and turned away. It was horrific. She started walking. To where, she didn't know, but she just had to walk.

Jane slowly emerged from the closet. It was risky, she knew, but she was getting hungry and she had to eat some time. What she saw when she opened the door shocked her more than she thought anything could. Right in front of her was the head of the woman she'd met. At the sight of the severed head, she very nearly threw up. Looking around, she saw many more dead bodies, dwarves that had been laughing and singing just hours (or days, she didn't know) before. Suddenly, she grew enraged. It may not have been what she wanted, but these were good people who didn't deserve this. Reaching down, she took up the axe of a fallen dwarf and started looking for an orc. Even if she could just get one, it would be something. Besides, she was probably going to die, anyway.

After a while, Suzie reached a large hall. A dining hall, by the looks of it. Curiously, there were no orcs in here. 'Probably all back at the victory celebration,' she noted to herself. She hoped to find somewhere some respite from the carnage, but none was to be had. When she saw the lake of blood in the center of the room, a thought struck her. 'Middle Earth isn't exactly what I had expected.'

But before she could ponder this misfortune too much, she saw a shape speeding toward her out of the corner of her eye. By the time she turned to look, it was too late. A dwarf, somehow still alive, lunged toward her, screaming. Instinctively, she reached out her hand to ward off the attacker - a hand that just happened to have a very sharp gauntlet on it. The sharp fingers pierced the dwarf's leather tunic just as an axe lodged itself in her own side, in the gap in her armor.

That instant seemed to last an eternity, as in their dying moments, Lóin the dwarf and Bashnug the orc recognized themselves for what they were: sisters. But it was too late for them. Their dream had ended with a nightmare more terrible than they could have fathomed. And so they died. But life went on - in Middle Earth and in their home - and no one ever knew the truth.  



End file.
